Sounds from A Night at the Opera - featuring Groucho Marx as Otis B. Driftwood

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		Waiter: Paging Mr. Driftwood! Mr. Driftwood! ... Mr. Driftwood! ... Mr. Driftwood! Otis B. Driftwood: Boy, will you do me a favour and stop yelling my name all over this restaurant? Do I go around yelling your name? Mrs. Claypool (Margaret Dumont): Mr. Driftwood! Driftwood: Say, is your voice changing or is somebody else paging me around here? 136K
		The above, plus the following! Mrs. Claypool: Mr. Driftwood! Driftwood: Why, Mrs. Claypool! Hello! Mrs. Claypool: Mr. Driftwood, you invited me to dine with you at 7:00. It is now 8:00 and no dinner! Driftwood: What do you mean 'no dinner'? I just had one of the biggest meals I ever ate in my life, and no thanks to you, either. Mrs. Claypool: I've been sitting right here since 7:00. Driftwood: Yes, with your back to me. When I invite a woman to dinner I expect her to look at my face. That's the price she has to pay. Waiter: Your cheque, sir. Driftwood: Nine dollars and forty cents! This is an outrage! If I were you I wouldn't pay it.

		Driftwood: Waiter, have you got any milk-fed chicken? Waiter: Yes, sir. Driftwood: Well squeeze the milk out of one and bring me a glass. 77K
		Mrs. Claypool: Mr. Driftwood, three months ago you promised to put me into society. In all that time, you've done nothing but draw a very handsome salary. Driftwood: You think that's nothing, huh? How many men do you suppose are drawing a handsome salary nowadays? 96K
		Driftwood: Why I can count them on the fingers of one hand, my good woman! Mrs. Claypool: I'm not your good woman! Driftwood: Don't say that, Mrs. Claypool. I don't care what your past has been. 59K
		Driftwood(to Mrs. Claypool): There! I didn't mean to tell you, but you dragged it out of me. I love you! 35K
		All of the routine above, in Real Audio, plus the following! Mrs. Claypool: It's rather difficult to believe that when I find you dining with another woman! Driftwood: That woman? Do you know why I sat with her? She reminded me of you! Mrs. Claypool: Really? Driftwood: Of course! That's why I'm sitting here with you - because you remind me of you! Your eyes! Your throat! Your lips! Everything about you reminds me of you! Except you. How do you account for that? If she figures that one out, she's good...

		Driftwood: I don't know - there's something about me that brings out the business in every woman. 25K
		Driftwood: You see that man over there eating spaghetti? Mrs. Claypool: No... Driftwood: Well, you see the spaghetti, don't ya? 34K
		Driftwood: Now behind that spaghetti is none other than Herman Gottlieb - director of the New York Opera Company. Do you follow me? Mrs. Claypool: Yes... Driftwood: Well stop following me or I'll have ya arrested! 70K
		Driftwood: Now I've arranged for you to invest $200,000 in the New York Opera Company. Mrs. Claypool: I don't understand... Driftwood: Don't you see? You'll be a patron of the opera. You'll get into society. And then you can marry me and they'll kick you out of society. And all you've lost is $200,000. 106K
		All of the routine above, in Real Audio.

Driftwood: Now listen here, Gottlieb, making love to Mrs. Claypool is my racket. What you're after is $200,000. And you'd better make it sound plausible because, as incredible as it may seem, Mrs. Claypool isn't as big a sap as she looks. 94K

Driftwood: Do you rhumba? Lady: Why, yes - of course I do! Driftwood: Well take a rhumba from 1 to 10. 54K

Mrs. Claypool: Mr. Claypool went to his reward three years ago. Gottlieb (Siegfried Rumann): And left you all alone. Mrs. Claypool: All alone... Gottlieb: With eight million dollars... Mrs. Claypool: Eight million dollars. Driftwood: Listen, Gottlieb, you're just wasting your time. If Mrs. Claypool wants to marry a fortune hunter, she's always got me. And as a matter of fact, you can hardly call me a fortune hunter. Because when I first proposed to Mrs. Claypool, I thought she had only seven million. But the extra million has never interfered with my feelings for her.

Driftwood: Bravo! Bravo! Bravo! Well, I made it! How soon does the curtain go up? Gottlieb: The curtain, Mr. Driftwood, will go up again next season. Mrs. Claypool: You've missed the entire opera. Driftwood: Well, I only missed it by a few minutes... 85K

Mrs. Claypool: Are you sure you have everything, Otis? Driftwood: I've never had any complaints yet... 36K

Gottlieb believes that Mrs. Claypool should go out of her way to sign Lassparri (Walter W. King) to sing - even if it takes $1000 a night to do so. Driftwood, always one to get into the action, voices his opinion.

Lassparri: Now what do you got to say to me? Driftwood: Just this - can you sleep on your stomach with such big buttons on your pyjamas? 37K

Fiorello (Chico Marx): What's the matter, mister? Driftwood: Oh, we had an argument and he pulled a knife on me, so I shot him. 28K

Driftwood (with his foot on the knocked-out Lassparri): Two beers, bartender! Fiorello: I'll take two beers, too! 19K

		Driftwood: There's no need of you reading that because these are duplicates. Fiorello: Duplicates, a-huh... (reading) Driftwood: I say they're duplicates. Fiorello: Why sure they's a duplicates... duplicates... Driftwood: Don't you know what duplicates are? Fiorello: Sure, they's five kids up in Canada. 121K
		Driftwood: All right, I'll read it to ya. Can ya hear? Fiorello: I haven't heard anything yet. You said anything? Driftwood: Well, I haven't said anything worth hearing... Fiorello: Well, that's why I didn't hear anything. Driftwood: Well, that's why I didn't say anything. 116K
		Driftwood: It's alright - that's in every contract. That's what they call a "sanity clause". Fiorello: Ha ha ha ha ha! You can't fool me - there ain't no Sanity Claus. 64K
		The signing of the contract between Fiorello and Driftwood is considered to be a classic Marx Brothers bit. Here's the entire classic haggling scene between the two, in RealAudio format.

Driftwood: Say, isn't that my shirt you've got on? Fiorello: I don't know - I found it in the trunk. Driftwood: Well, then it couldn't be mine. Well, it was nice seeing you boys again, but I was expecting my other suit. You didn't happen to see it, did ya? Fiorello: Yeah, it took up too much room, so we sold it. Driftwood: Did you get anything for it? Fiorello: Uhhh... A dollar forty. Driftwood: That's my suit, alright. 113K

Driftwood: I've got a date with a lady in few minutes, and you know the old saying, "Two's company and five's a crowd." 42K

		Driftwood: And, uh... two fried eggs, two poached eggs, two scrambled eggs, and two medium-boiled eggs. Fiorello: And two hard-boiled eggs! Driftwood: And two hard-boiled eggs. Tomasso (Harpo Marx): (Honk!) Driftwood: Make that three hard-boiled eggs. 94K
		Driftwood: Do they allow tipping on the boat? Steward: Oh, yes sir! Driftwood: Have you got two fives? Steward: Yes, sir! Driftwood: Well, then you won't need the ten cents I was gonna give ya. 50K
		The full version of the clip from above. Fiorello, Baroni, and the sleeping Tomasso are starved, and convince Driftwood to step out of his pint-sized stateroom and order some food for them from a steward. This is one of the funniest routines, often mentioned by critics as one of the most memorable segments in the film, along with the infamous scene where numerous people begin to fill the cramped cabin to "sardine can" capacity.

		Driftwood:Well that's fine. If that steward is deaf and dumb, he'll never know you're in here. Fiorello: Oh sure, that's alright. Driftwood (answering a knock on the door): Yes? Chambermaid: We've come to make up your room. Fiorello: Are those my hard-boiled eggs? Driftwood: I can't tell until they get in the room... 92K
		Driftwood (answering door): Yes? Woman: Is my Aunt Minnie in here? Driftwood: Well, you can come in and prowl around in you wanna. If she isn't in here, you can probably find somebody just as good... Woman: Well... could I use your phone? Driftwood: Use the phone? I'll lay ya even money you can't get in the room! 99K
		The Overcrowded Cabin routine is probably the most famous scene in this movie. Everyone from the engineer to the ship's manicurist seems to find their way into the pint-sized cabin, which eventually causes it to burst open upon the arrival of Mrs. Claypool. For your enjoyment, it is provided here in its entirety in RealAudio format.

Driftwood: Pardon me... Our distinguished guests are having their shredded wheat. They'll be right out. VIP (opening his speech paper): Gentlemen! Kind friends... Driftwood (snatching the speech away): Here, gimme that... Let's cut this short. The whole thing is very simple. They want you to go to City Hall and the mayor is going to make another speech. We can tear up the mayor's speech when we get there.

Driftwood (to Tomasso as he is called upon to make his speech): What'll ya give me to set fire to your beard? 11K

Driftwood: Why don't you fellas be nice? Get outta here before I get arrested! Fiorello: No, I'd like to stay and see that. 33K

		Sgt. Henderson (Robert Emmett O'Connor): You remember me. I'm Henderson, plain-clothes man. Driftwood: You look more like an old clothes man to me. 43K
		Sgt. Henderson: You live here all alone? Driftwood: Yes, just me and my memories. I'm practically a hermit. Sgt. Henderson: Hmmm, a hermit. I notice the table's set for four. Driftwood: That's nothing - my alarm clock is set for eight! 99K

Gottlieb: So, as Mrs. Claypool's new business manager, I must request you to get out - and stay out! Driftwood: Just a minute, just a minute. You can't fire me without two week's salary. That's in section 10a of my contract... Gottlieb: I find that you have overdrawn your salary for the next six months. Driftwood: Well, in that case I'll take one week's salary... 125K

Driftwood: (slamming the door) The thanks I get for working my fingers to the bone! 24K

Driftwood: Where can I find you? Fiorello: Don't worry. Wherever you are, you'll find us. Driftwood: No, I'm sick of that. Let's meet somewhere else... 46K

		Driftwood (addressing the opera patrons): Ladies and gentlemen... I guess that takes in most of you... 25K
		Driftwood: I am sure the familar strains of Verdi's music will come back to you tonight. And Mrs. Claypool's cheques will probably come back in the morning. 51K
		Driftwood: Senor Lassparri comes from a very famous family. His mother was a well-known bass singer. And his father was the first man to stuff spaghetti with bicarbonate of soda - thus causing and curing indigestion at the same time. 92K
		Driftwood: And now - on with the opera! Let joy be unconfined. Let there be dancing in the streets, drinking in the saloons, and necking in the parlor. Play, Don... 68K
		Driftwood's address from the opera house balcony, in Real Audio format.

Driftwood (as Tomasso, Fiorello, and the conductor rap their batons competitively): It's none of my business, but I think there's a brace of woodpeckers in the orchestra. 67K

Prior to the opera, Fiorello and Tomasso have replaced a score of music in Il Trovatore with the music from Take Me Out to the Ball Game. At the turn, the music is played, and Driftwood parades down the aisle tossing fresh roasted peanuts to the patrons.

Driftwood: (mocking the singing character) Boogey boogey boogey! (To the audience): How would you like to feel the way she looks? 57K

Lassparri: Never in my life have I received such treatment! They threw an apple at me! Driftwood: Well, watermelons are out of season! 50K

Marx Brothers Night at the Opera Treasury